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#1 esther231

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Posted 22 September 2007 - 12:31 PM

Got this one today - the rich and famous on sex -



"I believe that sex is one of the most natural, wholesome things that money can buy."

Tom Clancy



"You know "that look" women get when they want to have sex? Me either."

Steve Martin



"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."

Woody Allen



"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday Night."

Rodney Dangerfield



"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."

George Burns



"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."

Sharon Stone



"My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading."

Steve Jobs (founder Apple Computers)



"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-b*tch."

Jack Nicholson



"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."

Barbara Bush (former US First Lady)



"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."

Robin Williams



"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."

Roseanne



"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."

Billy Crystal



"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."

Robert DeNiro



"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."

Rod Stewart



"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time."

Robin Williams


When I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race. ~H.G. Wells

#2 Rogerdodger

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Posted 22 September 2007 - 12:58 PM

Those are too good! :lol:

#3 mss

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Posted 23 September 2007 - 05:22 PM

WARNING - ONE OR TWO ARE A LITTLE RAW (but funny) ================================================ Bumper Stickers The first bumper stickers appeared in America in the 1950s. Originally, they weren't "stickers," but were attached by small wires twisted around bumpers (used for advertising). Here's what we think is the best collection of bumper sticker sentiments on the Web. There are many ways to say "I love you," but sex is the fastest. I feel so much better since I lost hope. Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there. Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. If walking is so good for you, why does my mailman look like that? Ask me about my vow of silence. If the answer isn't beer, you've asked the wrong question. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. Before you condemn someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then you're a mile away and you have their shoes. We must silence those who oppose freedom of speech. A man does not have to be a bigamist to have one wife too many. Try not to let your mind wander. It's too small and fragile to be out by itself. Guys, just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one. I'm happily married, but my wife isn't. Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. You are right where you belong. Behind me. Old age comes at a bad time. The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach. Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping. Do unto others before they do unto you. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. Don't play stupid with me. I'm better at it. Disarm rapists. I don't have to be dead to donate my organ. Experience is learning a lot of crap you didn't really want to know. I used to care, but I take a pill for that now. If 10 percent is good enough for God, it should be enough for the IRS. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. The answer is yes. Was today really necessary? Too many freaks, not enough circuses. The more I learn, the less I understand. Just because people don't understand you doesn't make you an artist. Love is grand. Divorce is fifty grand. There are two important things to remember about surrealism. Frogs, power tools, and the Lincoln Memorial. I came here with nothing, and I still have most of it. Even if you win the rat race, you're still a rat. Pass carefully. Driver chews tobacco. O.K., I take it back. Unscrew you. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog. I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit. I wasn't born a b*tch. Men like you made me this way. Taxation with representation isn't so hot, either! Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. Does your train of thought have a caboose? Better living through denial. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go? You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. Beauty is only a light switch away. Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore. I got a gun for my wife. Best trade I ever made. So you're a feminist. Isn't that cute! I need someone really bad. Are you really bad? I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. Prevent inbreeding. Ban country music. The bigger the jackass, the louder the bray. If you lived in your car, you would be home right now. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. I'm not completely worthless. I can be used as a bad example. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
WOMEN & CATS WILL DO AS THEY PLEASE, AND MEN & DOGS SHOULD GET USED TO THE IDEA.
A DOG ALWAYS OFFERS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. CATS HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT!!

#4 mss

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Posted 24 September 2007 - 02:51 PM

:) The Buttocks A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?" "My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
WOMEN & CATS WILL DO AS THEY PLEASE, AND MEN & DOGS SHOULD GET USED TO THE IDEA.
A DOG ALWAYS OFFERS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. CATS HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT!!

#5 esther231

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Posted 24 September 2007 - 04:43 PM

LOL
When I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race. ~H.G. Wells

#6 Rogerdodger

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Posted 24 September 2007 - 05:44 PM

Posted Image

#7 mss

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Posted 26 September 2007 - 07:23 PM

:D Vaseline Market Research A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?" She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time." "And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?" "We use it for sex." The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?" The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out." (AND YOU THOUGHT WHAT? )
WOMEN & CATS WILL DO AS THEY PLEASE, AND MEN & DOGS SHOULD GET USED TO THE IDEA.
A DOG ALWAYS OFFERS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. CATS HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT!!

#8 spielchekr

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Posted 26 September 2007 - 08:45 PM

Well, I thought of this immediately, of course. Gotta look your best. :D

Posted Image



:D

Vaseline Market Research

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."




(AND YOU THOUGHT WHAT? )


Edited by spielchekr, 26 September 2007 - 08:47 PM.


#9 esther231

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Posted 26 September 2007 - 09:37 PM

LOL I'm loving all of these. They make me laugh. :)
When I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race. ~H.G. Wells

#10 esther231

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Posted 27 September 2007 - 11:53 AM

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER. THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID..... ....WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT... I'M GETTING A FAX!!
When I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race. ~H.G. Wells