194 replies to this topic

[esther231]

LOL Those were good.



Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties

The first man had married a woman from Indiana and had told her that she was going to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Michigan. He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a girl from Florida . He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.

[mss]

One morning, three Southerners and three Yankees were in a ticket
counter line at a train station. The three Northerners each bought a
ticket while the three southerners bought just one.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?"
asked one of the Yankees.

"Watch and learn," answered one of the boys from the South.

All six boarded the train where the three Yankees sat down, but
the three Southerners crammed into a toilet together and closed the door.

Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to
collect tickets. He knocked on the toilet door and said, "Ticket, please".

The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a
ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on.

The Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
Indeed, so clever they decided to do the same thing on the return trip
and save some money That afternoon when they got back to the station,
they bought a single ticket for the return trip and watched, while to their astonishment, the three Southerners didn't buy even one ticket.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked a perplexed Yankee.

"Watch and learn," answered the three Southern boys in unison.
When they boarded the train, the three Northerners crammed themselves
into a toilet and the three Southerners crammed into another toilet just down the way.

Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Southerners left
their toilet and walked over to the toilet in which the Yankees were hiding.

The Southerner knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."

[esther231]

LOL

Okay, here's Larry the Cable Guy.

He can get alittle rowdy now and again.

Edited by esther231, 11 October 2007 - 05:53 PM.

[spielchekr]

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa." The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma..". The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy." He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night, and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at little every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life." She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!" (Mama's baby, Papa's maybe )

[spielchekr]

Photo on the Night Stand

After a long night of making love,

the guy notices a photo of another man,

on the woman's nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?"

he nervously asks.

"No, silly,"

she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?"

he continues.

"No, not at all,"

she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?"

he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!"
she answers.

"Well, who in the he ll is he, then?"

he demands.

She whispers in his ear

"That's me before the surgery."

[esther231]

A man goes to a restaurant, orders some takeout, and sits down to wait for his food. While he waits, he grabs a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the counter, and as he starts to chew, he hears a voice say, "That's a beautiful tie, is that silk? Very NICE choice!" Wondering who made the comment, he looks around and doesn't see anyone nearby who could be speaking to him. With a shrug, he pops a few more peanuts into his mouth. Next he hears the voice say, "Those shoes are stylin', my man. Are they Italian leather? They look GRRREAT!" He whirls around to again but sees no one near him. He glances nervously around and then at his shoes, which he tucks self-consciously under the stool. A little freaked out, he grabs another handful of peanuts. This time the voice continues with, "That suit looks FANTASTIC! Is it an Armani? Very nice!" He immediately calls the waiter over and says, "Look. I keep hearing these voices telling me how great my tie, my shoes, and my suit look - what's up with that? Am I GOING CRAZY??" "Oh," the waiter nonchalantly replies. "It's just the peanuts." "The PEANUTS?!?" the astonished man asks, staring at the bowl beside him. "Yes," replies the waiter, "…they're complimentary."

[mss]

IDIOT SIGHTING:
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us
That one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on
The opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one
Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said,
"Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than
1/4. He said, "NO, it's not." Four is larger than two."

We haven't used Sears repair since.


IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the
Local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER
CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars
Out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing
Anymore."

From Kingman , KS


IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked
The person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry,
But they only had iceberg lettuce. He was a Chef? Yep...

From Kansas City !


IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee
Asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To
Which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He
Smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.


IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She
Asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind
People when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are
Blind people doing driving?!"

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS .


IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving
The company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is
Fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all
Just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.


IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself
And for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not
Turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.


IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up
Our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the
Service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the
Drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively
Tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I
Announced to the technician, "its open!" His reply, "I know. I already got
That side."

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi !


STAY ALERT!

They walk among us... And they REPRODUCE & VOTE !!!

[mss]

A husband died, leaving a will that provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last of the visitors departed the affair, his wife, Dawn, turned to her oldest friend Karen and said, "Well, I'm sure he would be pleased."
"I'm sure you're right," replied Karen, who then lowered her voice and leaned in close, "How much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Dawn. "Thirty thousand."
"No!" Karen exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"
Dawn replied, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone."
Karen computed quickly. "$22,500 for a Memorial Stone? My God, how big is it?"
"Two and a half carats."

[mss]

"The Obedient Wife"

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real "miser" when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife..."When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,

"Wait just a moment!"

She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said,

"Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him."

You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account, a nd wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it."

~The Wal~Mart Cat~

A blonde was weed-eating her yard and

accidentally cut off the tail of her cat

which was hiding in the grass.

She rushed her cat, along with the tail over

to WAL~MART!

Why WAL~MART???

WAL~MART is the largest retailer in the world!!!

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[esther231]

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids) ">You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10 No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. -- Kristen, age 10 WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? Twenty-three is the best age b e cause you know the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10 HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8 WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8 WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10 WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7 The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - - Curt, age 7 The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. - - Howard, age 8 IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9 (bless you child ) HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? There sure wo uld be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? -- Kelvin, age 8 And the #1 Favorite is........ HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck. -- Ricky, age 10