Jump to content



Photo

BEST JOKE I'VE READ


  • Please log in to reply
40 replies to this topic

#21 StillLearnin

StillLearnin

    Member

  • Traders-Talk User
  • 1,200 posts

Posted 17 April 2008 - 12:19 PM

Choosing A Wife A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money. The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more a attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed. The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed. The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. < /SPAN> Obviously, the man was impressed The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her. Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs. Men are like that, you know. There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alz heimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs a and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

#22 StillLearnin

StillLearnin

    Member

  • Traders-Talk User
  • 1,200 posts

Posted 17 April 2008 - 12:20 PM

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN: Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa ca ke body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN: Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your @ss. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the sho wer. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Stick head out of shower to admire and laugh at it in the mirror. Pee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time. Admire wiener size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again. Throw wet towel on bed. If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something SO very wrong with you. Have a great day! Oh, and..... Woo-Woo!!!!

#23 mss

mss

    I'M WATCHING

  • TT Sponsor
  • 6,182 posts

Posted 17 April 2008 - 03:14 PM

:o
'What a coincidence'

A chicken farmer went to a local bar sat next to a
woman and ordered a
glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says 'How about that? I just
ordered a glass of Champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer says 'This is a
special day for me .. I am
celebrating.'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also
celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the farmer? As they
clinked glasses the man
asked 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child
and today my
gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence 'says the man.' I'm a chicken
farmer and for years all
of my hens were infertile, but today they are all
laying fertilized eggs'

'That's great!' says the woman, 'How did your
chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence'.


WOMEN & CATS WILL DO AS THEY PLEASE, AND MEN & DOGS SHOULD GET USED TO THE IDEA.
A DOG ALWAYS OFFERS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. CATS HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT!!

#24 mss

mss

    I'M WATCHING

  • TT Sponsor
  • 6,182 posts

Posted 22 April 2008 - 10:13 AM

:o "Doc," says Arthur, "I want to be castrated." "What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement. "It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done." replies Arthur. "But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor. "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!" "I'm aware of that Doc and you're not going to change my mind; either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor." "Well, OK," says the doctor, "but it's against my better judgment!" So, Arthur has his operation and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his IV stand. Heading toward him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way. "Hi there." says Arthur. "It looks like you've just had the same operation as me." "Well," said the other patient, "I finally decided after 67 years that I would like to be circumcised." Arthur stared at him in horror... "OH NO! THAT'S THE WORD!!!!"
WOMEN & CATS WILL DO AS THEY PLEASE, AND MEN & DOGS SHOULD GET USED TO THE IDEA.
A DOG ALWAYS OFFERS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. CATS HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT!!

#25 esther231

esther231

    Member

  • TT Member+
  • 1,336 posts

Posted 23 April 2008 - 10:11 PM

Who's the Boss? A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your trousers." she said. "That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family." With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!" She replied, "That's right...and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."
When I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race. ~H.G. Wells

#26 mss

mss

    I'M WATCHING

  • TT Sponsor
  • 6,182 posts

Posted 28 April 2008 - 09:09 AM

Subject: The robbery A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter what. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!' His wife responds, 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong. I love you, too
WOMEN & CATS WILL DO AS THEY PLEASE, AND MEN & DOGS SHOULD GET USED TO THE IDEA.
A DOG ALWAYS OFFERS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. CATS HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT!!

#27 mss

mss

    I'M WATCHING

  • TT Sponsor
  • 6,182 posts

Posted 07 May 2008 - 07:51 PM

:lol: Yodeling Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began? Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn. As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, 'Who is that man going into the barn?' 'That fellow is traveling through,' said the farmer. 'and needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn.' The daughter said, 'Perhaps he is hungry.' So she prepared him a plate of food and took it out to the barn. About an hour later the daughter returned, her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went. The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed. The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned the visitor was gone she burst into tears. 'How could he leave without even saying goodbye?,' she cried. 'We made such passionate love last night!' 'What?', shouted the father, as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, 'I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!' The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out..... 'LAIDTHEOLADEETOO'

Edited by mss, 07 May 2008 - 07:53 PM.

WOMEN & CATS WILL DO AS THEY PLEASE, AND MEN & DOGS SHOULD GET USED TO THE IDEA.
A DOG ALWAYS OFFERS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. CATS HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT!!

#28 mss

mss

    I'M WATCHING

  • TT Sponsor
  • 6,182 posts

Posted 08 May 2008 - 10:32 AM

One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It
was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was just
about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son returned
home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?", they
asked.

Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,"
said Tommy. The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy,
knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son, this robot is a lie detector: now tell us where you went after
school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie."

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha. "The Ten Commandments," answered
Tommy.

The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him,
knocking him off his chair. With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down
and said, "I'm sorry, I lied . We really watched a tape called Sex
Queen."

"I'm ashamed of you, son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied
to my parents!" The robot then walked around to John and delivered a
roundhouse right that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. "Boy, did you ever ask
for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy! After all, he is your
son!"

The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped her
three times.

Edited by mss, 08 May 2008 - 10:33 AM.

WOMEN & CATS WILL DO AS THEY PLEASE, AND MEN & DOGS SHOULD GET USED TO THE IDEA.
A DOG ALWAYS OFFERS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. CATS HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT!!

#29 mss

mss

    I'M WATCHING

  • TT Sponsor
  • 6,182 posts

Posted 13 May 2008 - 09:15 AM

>>> MY PRIVATE PART DIED
>>>
>>>
>>> An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.
>>>
>>>
>>> One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
>>>
>>>
>>> Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,
>>>
>>> "Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Wallace.
>>>
>>> "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."
>>>
>>> Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a
>> little
>>> crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace.
>>>
>>> Please accept my condolences."
>>>
>>> The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with
his
>>> Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.
>>>
>>> He met Nurse Tracy. "Mr. Wallace," she said, "You shouldn't be
>> walking
>>> down the hall like that.
>>>
>>> Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."
>>>
>>> "But, Nurse Tracy I can't," replied Mr. Wallace. "I told you
>> yesterday that
>>> my Private Part died.
>>>
>>> "Yes," said Nurse Tracy, "you did tell me that, but why is it
>> hanging
>>> out of your pajamas?"
>>>
>>> (You've gotta love this ....)
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> "Well," he replied, "Today is the viewing."
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> IF YOU ARE NOT LAUGHING SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOU

WOMEN & CATS WILL DO AS THEY PLEASE, AND MEN & DOGS SHOULD GET USED TO THE IDEA.
A DOG ALWAYS OFFERS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. CATS HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT!!

#30 robo

robo

    Member

  • Traders-Talk User
  • 1,217 posts

Posted 16 May 2008 - 05:44 PM

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced his altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, but can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man below replied. "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approx. 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 6O degrees west longitude." "You must be an Market Technician," said the balloonist "I am," replied the man "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far." The man below responded," You must be a Fund Manager." "Why, yes, I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to your current position due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"

“There is only one side to the stock market; and it is not the bull side or the bear side, but the right side”   Jesse L. Livermore