40 replies to this topic

[mss]

STAFF WILL NEED TO MOVE IT I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS... A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken back because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My gosh, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my but with wet celery???" She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

Edited by TTHQ Staff, 26 February 2008 - 02:41 PM.
Oh yeah... HAD to move it :-)

[skyymaster]

Here is another one: Rectum stretcher - We All Can Relate - This Is A Good Thing To Tell A Cop That Pulls Your Over....(especially if you want a ticket) While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (15 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?" To which she replied, "I'm late for work." "Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?" "I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded. The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" "Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide." "And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot @ss hole?" he asked. "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..." Traffic Ticket $95.00 Court Costs. $45.00 The Look on Cop's Face. -- PRICELESS

[esther231]

The Sick Hamster (True Story) If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD! Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?" I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!" Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. She's having babies." "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife. "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage,?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!) "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together). "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?) By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth." "OH, Gross!", they shrieked. "Well, isn't THAT just Great!; what are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. don't you?) We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged. "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results. "Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?) "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb!) The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically. "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked. Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labour. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy." "What!?" "You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um.... er.... masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron." We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just...Excited?", my wife offered. "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more. "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay. "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me. "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

[spielchekr]

4 guys sitting around having drinks and one of the men had to use the rest room. The three others talked about their kids. The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a company at the bottom. He studied Business and began to climb the corporate ladder, became president of the company. He's so rich; he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for Christmas The second guy said, 'darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, went to flight school to become a pilot. He became a partner, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet as a Christmas gift.' The third man said: 'Well, that is terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer, started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave an expensive Christmas gift to his best friend: A 30,000 square foot mansion.' The three friends congratulate each other just as the fourth returned from the rest room and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?' One of the three said: 'We're talking about the pride we feel for the successe s of our sons ... What about your son?' The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.' The three friends said: 'That's a shame ... what a disappointment.' The fourth man replied: 'Nah, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too badly either. Just this Christmas alone he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'

[StillLearnin]

Why Females Should Avoid A Girls Night Out After They Are Married! >> The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I >> told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" >> >> Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. >> Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. >> >> Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up >> and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably >> wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. >> >> I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted >> solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even >> when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = >> MIDNIGHT!) >> >> The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told >> him "Midnight ". He didn't seem ticked off at all. Whew! Got away >> with that one! >> >> Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." >> When I asked him why?, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed > >> 3 times, then said, 'Oh, [bleeeep]', cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's >> throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and >> then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

[mss]

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party He doesn't remember how he got home from the party. Fearful he made some horrible blunder he forces his eyes open and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. Next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing, all clean and pressed on a chair He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order and spotlessly clean. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks,"Son... what happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door." Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh THAT.... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married'!!" * Broken Coffee Table $239.99 * Hot Breakfast $4.20 * Two Aspirins $.38 * Saying the right thing, at the right time... PRICELESS!

[mss]

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I asked. "They will grow larger over a period of years," my husb and replies. I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?" He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

[mss]

INDIAN WITH ONE TESTICLE There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone.' He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all thenext day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone." Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die! What is the moral of this story?????........................... OH, Come on... take a guess! Think about it... (You're going to love this!) And the moral is... You can't kill two birds with one stone!!

[spielchekr]

The Nun in Hooters

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every
once in a while 'the lights would turn off.'

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the
restroom?

The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a
statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'

'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped
just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause!

She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why
did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'

'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would
you like a drink?'

'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.

'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig
leaf on that statue, the lights go out.


Now, how about that drink?'

[mss]

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

"No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."