40 replies to this topic

[esther231]

A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a wabbit sitting on one of the shelves. "What are you doing in there?" she asked. The rabbit replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?", To which the lady replied "Yes." "Well," the wabbit said, "I'm westing."

[mss]

I attended a party this past weekend. after checking out all the well-dressed guests at the party, I spotted an attractive woman (standing alone) across the room. When I approached and asked her name, She coyly replied... "CARMEN." Trying to maintain some sort of conversation with her, I responded with That's a beautiful name, Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. "I gave it to myself, because it reflects the things I like most in the world - cars and men." "What's your name?" she asked. "GOLFTITS," I replied

[mss]

Charlie walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
'Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache.'
His wife is lying in bed and replies: 'I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot.'
The man says: 'I think you'll find that I wasn't talking to you.'

[mss]

A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband Said, "I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and Sad at the same time".

The wife thought for a few moments, and then said,


"Your penis's bigger Than your brother's".

[mss]

A rich man and a redneck are discussing what they gave their wives for their anniversaries. The rich man says, 'I bought my wife a diamond necklace and a Mercedes Benz.' 'Why did you buy her two gifts?' asks the redneck The rich man replies, 'Well, in case she doesn't like the diamond necklace, she can drive her Mercedes Benz to take it back.' The redneck acknowledges the rich man's answer, and then proceeds to tell him that he got his wife a pair of flip flops and a dildo. With a confused and intrigued look, the rich man asks, 'Why did you buy her those gifts?' 'Well, in case she don't like the flip flops, she can go f - - k herself'.

[mss]

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2007 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive. A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year." The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullsh*ttin' me!" The social worker said, "Yea .. well .... you started it!!

[esther231]

lol

[esther231]

Husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After
almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and
they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a
room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells
the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350!
When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking
to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an
Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the
husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them," the man complains.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to
explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous.
"The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and LasVegas perform here," the
Manager says.


"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use
it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.
He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he
looks at the check. "But sir," he says, this check is only made out for $50.00."

That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my
wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."

[mss]

Involuntary Muscular Contractions A Professor was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your @ss hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?' She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'

[spielchekr]

An old man goes into a chemist to buy some Viagra "Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?" " I can cut them for you " said the chemist " but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection. " " I am 96 " said the old man . " I don't want an erection . I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers. "