39 replies to this topic

[dcengr]

There MUST be better boards to ask this opinion than here...

[muppet]

crummy comments deleted by moderators

Believe it or not ... I look really good. Have plenty of men still interested (I know that's hard to believe ... but true). .... Have a very fit body ... do weight training and am super active. Also LOVE my lifestyle and my activities ... think it's my spirit and energy that appeals to men (something I did NOT have at age 20). And my sex drive in this guys arms is full throttle ... great!!!

So being ashamed of being naked is not a problem. That's not the issue. Maybe I do have some other hang ups ..... guess we all do .... but just want to be appreciated for more than JUST sex. I think that's the main thing.

Edited by OEXCHAOS, 06 September 2006 - 02:05 PM.

[OEXCHAOS]

Now 50 and pleased with my life ... also currently have this incredible mutual sexual chemistry with someone (nothing much has happened yet) .... and I really can't have sex with this man. Honestly goes against my faith. And besides, casual sex just makes me feel cheap and lousy. Made a promise to myself a long time ago that I wouldn't have sex again (maybe ever - if need be) unless I found the right, mutually respectful, loving, committed, caring relationship.
I really don't want to lose this man .... but is it even POSSIBLE to have a physically affectionate friendship and avoid sex? What's a woman to do in this situation? Does sex trump all else in the minds of men?
Any sincere male perspectives appreciated. Sorry to be so off topic, but I respect a lot of the men on this board.
M.

Muppet,

this is way, way off topic, but you're right. We're all friends here (or try to be), so why not occasionally address a personal issue? (we can move the topic to the Health and Sanity board later.)

First of all, if you are close then any sex you might have isn't likely to be "casual". Secondly, if the relationship isn't mutually respectful, loving, and caring, why would you even be thinking about sex? The flip side, however, is this: why on earth would any sexual being commit to a relationship that hasn't been tested sexually?

Now, is it POSSIBLE to have a physically affectionate friendship without sex? Sure. My question is, why would you want to be with somone who isn't strongly and passionately attracted to you? It strikes me that you are setting yourself up for a very UNfulfilling long term relationship with somone (else).

Now, sex does not trump all else, but it's also an important part of any normal, healthy, human relationship. Most healthy, happy, men NEED sex to be and stay that way. We aren't animals...ok, Semibiz is () but most of us aren't...certainly, we can, do, and will postpone sex for all sorts of reasons, including simple sensitivity to someone else's needs. But at some point, it stops being a nice thing to do and starts being a self-destructive thing to do. And I mean that. Sexuality is an important part of one's self esteem. To continually abnegate that part of oneself is to damage part of one's psyche. That's not saying all men need to have pornstar partners in order to be happy and healthy, but it does mean that it's not good to willfully do without for long periods of time. I might also say that I don't think it's good for YOU either.

Here's my read. You're still young, but you don't have forever and I assume he doesn't either. I doubt that in 20 years you'll say, "Gee, I wish I hadn't had as much sex with Joe..." Life is short and virility does wane. I say reach out with both hands and take what you want from life. I'd attack your relationship with your guy very seriously and tell him so. I'd tell him that you want to get on with a relationship with him and figure out whether or not it works well for you both. I'd tell him that once you build trust in the relationship and an intimate close friendship with him, sex is then part of the agenda. Then I'd do it.

It would really, really, suck to slowly back into a loving relationship only to have something happen and regret that you didn't take advantage of the intimacy that sex offers.

That's just my read. I'm 40 something, only married once and happily at that. Sex has always been a part of our relationship and would have been a deal killer had it not been great.

Mark

[muppet]

Thanks Mark. You are a sensible soul. ... and thanks for everyone elses comments (even if I don't agree with all ) Off to do some errands (maybe pick up a negligee ha ha :-) M.

Edited by muppet, 06 September 2006 - 02:11 PM.

[greenie]

Good Luck...

I wouldn't put up with it.

I second it. Life is too short.

[TTHQ Staff]

Muppet, This isn't a question to be asking anyone here. Not only is it off-topic, but you're not going to get ANY answers you NEED. There's only one person you NEED to be asking and thats your male-friend. If HE wants a sexual relationship, however you and he define it, and YOU do not, you will likely be in an unsuccessful relationship. You must come to a meeting of the minds. Just ask him. Personally, I wouldn't even start a relationship with someone that I didn't know well enough to ask these types of questions. My guess is that you are not even close to being physically intimate, let alone psychologically intimate. Rephrased: if you're can't TALK about it, you shouldn't be DOING it.

[OEXCHAOS]

<BR>

Always stay true to who you are, you are either cut out to be a day trader or you aren't. If you are more the long term investor type being a day trader will just kill you.<BR>

<BR>In light of this, I'd say the male population is full of daytraders. <IMG style="VERTICAL-ALIGN: middle" alt=laugh.gif src="http://www.traders-t...ault/laugh.gif" border=0 emoid=""> <BR>IT<BR>

<BR><BR>Yeah, you think women are better at the long term and men short term. It is like watching T.V. with a guy too. They are always changing the channel, they can't even commit to a T.V. show for one hour. <BR>

While I take issue with sexual stereotypes, I have found that at this point in my life&nbsp;I have almost NO patience for the tripe that passes for television entertainment and even less for the advertising. This is funny, because my preferred entertaiment are the various high quality cable and television series that I&nbsp;get from&nbsp;NetFlix. This is really neat and you should try it. It's so much more interesting and you get so much more out of a well done series when you can watch several episodes back to back without commercials.
Inadvertently, I also happened upon a great relationship tool: the pause button.
Back when I used to watch televizzle, I found myself either trying not to have conversations--and thus pay attention to the show, or beign annoyed, trying to watch the show and pretend to listen to my partner. Now, my wife and I just hit the pause button every time a neat idea comes to mind, or when we want to discuss an issue or idea presented in the show, or to just laugh at a line. Sometimes that makes for 3 hours of yakking and 45 minutes of "entertainment", but I gotta tell you, its lots more fun. It puts US in control of our down time instead of some network or cable executive. It also makes for a better relationship.
Some suggestions for anyone who's interested:


1) Science Fiction

Firefly (FANTASTIC Sci-Fi by Joss)

STNG

ST Voyager

X-files (this is really fun and makes more sense this way)


2) Drama/Comedy

Dead Like Me

6' Under

Strangers with Candy (sick and wrong humor)

The Tick (live action)

Carnivale

Veronica Mars (this is a huge sleeper and not at all what you'd expect)


3)Documentary

Stephen Hawking's Universe

The French Chef (these are precious)

Iron Chef America
Good Eats!


Mark

[cobra]

Muppet,

If you want a serious discussion on this topic, go to this particular message board. TT is the best on trading strategies. This board is one of the best on relationships. I post there often and have found the other regular posters to be very knowledgable. There is a lot to be answered for a question like yours.

http://www.divorcebu...p...p;sb=5&o=93

Best,
Cobra

[EntropyModel]

is it even POSSIBLE to have a physically affectionate friendship and avoid sex? What's a woman to do in this situation? Does sex trump all else in the minds of men?

Any sincere male perspectives appreciated. Sorry to be so off topic, but I respect a lot of the men on this board.

M.

My male view is categorically NO. Men are hired wired to seek sex, we think about it every day just like we need to eat, or sleep, its a powerful drive men can't switch off. If you become 'physically affectionate' any red blooded man's sexual response will be triggered, its like starting a rocket launch countdown...kissing, hugs etc ..men interpret that as '..this is leading to sex 'at some point'...a point they'll push for to be A.S.A.P'...its just how we are.and if it doesn't end in sex at some point the man is going to get very frustrated, likely angry and either cheat on you, or leave.

Of course, some men will 'wait' for sex longer( older men longest], but the longer they wait the more pressure they are going to bring to have it. You'd be better off just being 'friends' with this man, and make it clear your not seeking a physical relationship - I mean, being a man he will still try for it, but his expectations will be lowered.

The only men I've known who are 'non-sexual' along the lines you desire, all turned out to be either:

- Gay or confused about their sexual identity.

AND/OR

- Suffered abuse of some kind, not necessarily sexual but with the effect of destroying self-esteem, which is very much tied to sex drive in men & women.


So If you do find someone who is prepared to have a "physically affectionate friendship without sex?" you are very likely setting yourself up for major heartache e.g. he is confused sexually, or has massive self-esteem issue's that will manifest much later in the relationship once you've invested alot into it.

As Mark(OEX) put so well, what you are seeking is not healthy for most people, the following statements you made suggest you are fighting with your own desires -

... currently have this incredible mutual sexual chemistry with someone .
... and I really can't have sex with this man. Honestly goes against my faith.. besides, casual sex just makes me feel cheap and lousy.
M.

Do you perceive sex to be 'healthy, good, positive' or is sex something you kind of dislike?

There's no point kidding yourself here, if you dislike sex that's something you need to recognise. If you enjoy sex, then your denying yourself a fundamental part of being a whole adult. My experience has been people who have such issues with sex often have low self-esteem due to undealt with childhood trauma of some kind.

A therapist can work through this with you, certainly better than a message boards can though its a first step.

Good luck.

Mark

Edited by entropy, 06 September 2006 - 04:02 PM.

[securelstmile]

<BR>

Always stay true to who you are, you are either cut out to be a day trader or you aren't. If you are more the long term investor type being a day trader will just kill you.<BR>

<BR>In light of this, I'd say the male population is full of daytraders. <IMG style="VERTICAL-ALIGN: middle" alt=laugh.gif src="http://www.traders-t...ault/laugh.gif" border=0 emoid=""> <BR>IT<BR>

<BR><BR>Yeah, you think women are better at the long term and men short term. It is like watching T.V. with a guy too. They are always changing the channel, they can't even commit to a T.V. show for one hour. <BR>

While I take issue with sexual stereotypes, I have found that at this point in my life&nbsp;I have almost NO patience for the tripe that passes for television entertainment and even less for the advertising. This is funny, because my preferred entertaiment are the various high quality cable and television series that I&nbsp;get from&nbsp;NetFlix. This is really neat and you should try it. It's so much more interesting and you get so much more out of a well done series when you can watch several episodes back to back without commercials.
Inadvertently, I also happened upon a great relationship tool: the pause button.
Back when I used to watch televizzle, I found myself either trying not to have conversations--and thus pay attention to the show, or beign annoyed, trying to watch the show and pretend to listen to my partner. Now, my wife and I just hit the pause button every time a neat idea comes to mind, or when we want to discuss an issue or idea presented in the show, or to just laugh at a line. Sometimes that makes for 3 hours of yakking and 45 minutes of "entertainment", but I gotta tell you, its lots more fun. It puts US in control of our down time instead of some network or cable executive. It also makes for a better relationship.
Some suggestions for anyone who's interested:


1) Science Fiction

Firefly (FANTASTIC Sci-Fi by Joss)

STNG

ST Voyager

X-files (this is really fun and makes more sense this way)


2) Drama/Comedy

Dead Like Me

6' Under

Strangers with Candy (sick and wrong humor)

The Tick (live action)

Carnivale

Veronica Mars (this is a huge sleeper and not at all what you'd expect)


3)Documentary

Stephen Hawking's Universe

The French Chef (these are precious)

Iron Chef America
Good Eats!


Mark

Mark I don't believe in stereotypes of any kind so I agree. I was just kidding around a bit.

I just like, "The Office."

I watch T.V. to laugh and that show just kills me.


But seriously some really good responses here.