No replies to this topic

[Rogerdodger]

"Yes they really said that" LINK

Steven Wright
• "I was trying to daydream but my mind kept wandering."
• "I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark."
• I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly."
• "Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang 'Happy Birthday'."
• "How young can you die of old age?"
• "If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?"
• "Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff?"

Henny Youngman
• "The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret."
• "I've been in love with the same woman for 41 years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me."
• "All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others."
• "My kid is a born doctor. Nobody can read anything he writes."
• "So I said, 'Where do you want to go for your anniversary?' She said, 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.'"
• "I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in."
• "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
• "A wonderful doctor gave this guy six months to live. When he couldn't pay his bills, he gave him another six months."

Gracie Allen
"When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half."

Woody Allen
"I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens."

Jim Backus
"Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success."

Lucille Ball
"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age."

Roseanne Barr
"The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner."

Edgar Bergen
"Hard work never killed anybody. But why take the chance?"

Yogi Berra
"A nickel ain't worth a dime any more."

Humphrey Bogart
"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind."

George Burns
• "When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick."
• "Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the 13th or 14th."

Johnny Carson
"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."

Dick Cavett
"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."

Winston Churchill
"Yes, madam, I am drunk. But in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly."

Rodney Dangerfield
• "My mother had morning sickness after I was born."
• "My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet."
• "I tell ya, when I was a kid all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo? It never came back."
• "My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met."

Phyllis Diller
"We spend the first 12 months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 telling them to sit down and shut up."

Albert Einstein
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits."

Benjamin Franklin
"Most fools think they are only ignorant."

Zsa Zsa Gabor
"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house."

Lewis Grizzard
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."

Jackie Mason
• "Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe."
• "I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something."

Claude Pepper
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.'"

Ronald Reagan
"Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first."

Will Rogers
• "The taxpayers are sending congressmen on expensive trips abroad. It might be worth it except they keep coming back!"
• "Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else."

Rita Rudner
"When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always."

Frank Sinatra
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."

Steven Spielberg
"Why pay a dollar for a bookmark? Why not use the dollar for a bookmark?"

Lily Tomlin
"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."

Lana Turner
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."

Mark Twain
"Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself."