40 replies to this topic

[mss]

GOLF CLUB SIGN Golf Club Sign Here is an actual sign posted at the Phantom Horse Golf Club in Scottsdale, Arizona: 1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART. 2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP. 3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN! 4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING. 5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER. 6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE. 7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG,LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU. 8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS. 9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING 10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES. WELL DONE. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, & TEE OFF.

[esther231]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up & saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston " He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?" "Well," she explained, one popular myth is that African-American men are the well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck." Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name." "Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.

[hiker]

a guy at the Cowboy bar in Jackson, Wyoming asks the horse sitting next to him: Why the long face?

[Rogerdodger]

I heard this one last week at Tulsa's Spotlight Theatre's presentation of "The Drunkard." (The longest running play in America. Weekly since 1953.)

An old couple was driving across America late one evening when they got lost and mistakenly turned into an Indian reservation.

Running low on gas, eventually the car came to a halt on a dark and desolate road.

Then they began to hear "TOM tom tom tom, TOM tom tom tom..."

The husband turned to his wife and said, "I don't like the sound of them drums."

Just then, an Indian voice came from behind a boulder, "He's not our regular drummer!

Edited by Rogerdodger, 22 July 2008 - 07:57 PM.

[hiker]

hey, RD. you ought to hear my imitation of Mazeppa's voice! (Mazeppa = Gaylord Sartain, who had that late night TV show long ago in Tulsa) ...when we have family call here, sometimes I answer the phone as Mazeppa.

[Rogerdodger]

Gaylord's TV buddy back then was a guy named Gary Busey.
They both appeared in the Buddy Holly Story.
They hacked around Tulsa with Leon Russell back in the day.

Another Tulsan, Roy Clark had him as a regular on HE HAW!

Edited by Rogerdodger, 23 July 2008 - 12:40 PM.

[hiker]

Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America ? I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place! Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !! Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

[Rogerdodger]

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

That reminds me of this tasteless statement:
Arguing with someone on the internet is like running in the Special Olympics: even if you win, you're still retarded.

Edited by Rogerdodger, 24 July 2008 - 08:14 PM.

[StillLearnin]

I am not sure if you guys/gals have ever heard of Mitch Hedberg. Funny as *ell comedian. I guess the guy unfortunately died of overdose a couple years ago. Recently a friend introduced me to his comedy and I just can't get enough thought I would share...

There are quite a few videos on youtube...just search is name...here is one...

http://www.youtube.c...feature=related

[esther231]

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well : Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.' THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.0D