194 replies to this topic

[esther231]

http://www.bitoffun....c_simulator.htm

[Rogerdodger]

You are funny! And banned for life! LOL!

[mss]

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco , a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?" "I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied. "You've gotta be kiddin' me." "No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree & pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pai r of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stri pped him naked and left. Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just ain't your day, cupcake..."

[esther231]

LOL Good one.

[esther231]

A dog is truly man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?

Edited by esther231, 07 March 2008 - 02:51 PM.

[mss]

ANOTHER SIMPLE CLEAN JOKE A passenger in a taxi leaned forward to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me.' The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab.... I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.

[Rogerdodger]

Black Eyes and a golf club:
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a golf club wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

"We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.
"I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball... stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"
*
*
*

Black Eyes at Church:

A man turns up at his doctor's office, with two black eyes.

"What happened to you?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I was at church on Sunday and sitting in front of me was this great big lady. When we stood up to sing the hymn, I noticed that her dress was caught in the crack of her behind, so I figured this must be uncomfortable, and I removed her dress from the crack of her behind and she turned around and belted me!"

"Oh, you didn't!" exclaimed the doctor. "But how did you get your other eye blackened?"

"Well, I when I saw how upset she got, I poked it back in."

Edited by Rogerdodger, 09 March 2008 - 11:23 PM.

[esther231]

There was once a truck driver who was almost always on the road. One particular day he was driving along a route that he had done a few times before. Up the road a bit he sees a man dressed from head to toe in yellow. This yellow dressed man was seemingly waving and motioning to him to get him to stop so, he complied and stopped the truck. "Hi, can I help you?" asked the truck driver. "Yes, I am the Yellow Rascal of the road and I want something to drink and I want it now!!" "Geez, alright, relax," said the truck driver. He then went into his truck looked around and found a soda, handed it to him, and then continued on his way. A while later along the same highway, he came across a second man who this time was dressed from head to toe in red. Again, this man was signaling to him to stop. So, wondering what this man wanted he stopped his truck. "Hi, can I help you sir?" asked the truck driver. "Yes, I am the Red Rascal of the road and I want something to eat and I want it now," screamed the red-dressed man. "Alright, Alright, relax," said the truck driver. "I'll see what I can do." He went into his truck, looked around and found a sandwich. He handed it to him and then continued on his way. Some more time passes and again he comes across a third guy who this time is dressed from head to toe in blue. "Oh great! Not another one of these idiots," the truck driver said to himself. "I don't care what he wants, I am not stopping my truck." But of course this blue-dressed man was very persistent. He jumped into the middle of the road, held out his hands in a "I want you to stop" kind of way and screamed. "STOP YOUR TRUCK!!!" The truck driver slammed on the brakes, ripped open his door and ran over to the blue-dressed man quite angry as you can imagine. "Let me guess!!" the truck driver shouted, "you're the Blue Rascal of the road. What the heck do you want!!??" To which the man in blue replied: "Your license and registration please."

[esther231]

There were two nuns..

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM) ,

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL) .

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM : So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical .

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!

SL : The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,
so he followed me

SM : Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL : The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster
than a man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

Say two Hail Marys!

[mss]

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS 1. A man comes into the ER and yells, 'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, Lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one. Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald,! San Francisco 2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,' I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,' replied the patient. Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA 3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.' Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg 4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one?', I asked. 'The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!' I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA 5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she answered.. Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.' Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis , 6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a woman I asked, 'So how's your breakfast this morning?' 'It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste' the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.' Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI 7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.' Submitted by RN no name AND FINALLY!!!................ 8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She replied, 'No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'. Dr. wouldn't submit his name