194 replies to this topic

[maineman]

we've got a million of them, but my personal favorite was a frantic early morning phone call from a man who said, "You've got to help me, my wife is unresponsive in bed"..... we called 911 for him and revived her from her post - seizure state, but we've never stopped chuckling.... mm

[mss]

A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man. 'No way! No needles! I hate needles!' the patient said. The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects. 'I can't do the gas thing - the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!' The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill. 'No objection,' the patient says, 'I am fine with pills.' The dentist then returns and says, 'Here's a Viagra tablet.' The patient says, 'Wow - I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!' 'It doesn't,' said the dentist, 'but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull out your tooth.'

[Rogerdodger]

[esther231]

LOL

[mss]

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans , with a box of crabs.
A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.
The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out.
Shortly before landing in New York , she announced over the intercom to the entire cabin, 'Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?'

Not one hand went up..so she took them home and ate them herself.

Edited by mss, 23 March 2008 - 05:50 PM.

[mss]

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon

I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year

I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few

years, I took your advice about where to go.

"Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii.

I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.

"Then two years ago, you told me to go to the

Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again.

"Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if

Earlene didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do

this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene

with me."

[mss]

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven a tall,
exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.
The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As All men will.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......
on one condition"



Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition Was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, And then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, Which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly And meaningfully said....





"Clean my house."

[esther231]

THE ACCIDENT IN MINNESOTA Ole had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Ole. Didn't you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?' asked the lawyer. Ole responded, 'Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the...' 'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?' Ole said, 'Vell, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....' The lawyer interrupted again and said,'Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Minnesota Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.' By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the lawyer, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie'. Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Vell as I vas saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into DA trailer and vas driving her down DA highvay ven this huge semi-truck and trailer ran DA stop sign and smacked my truck right in DA side. I vas thrown into one ditch and Bessie vas thrown into DA other. I vas hurting, real bad, and didn't vant to move. However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans'. 'Shortly after DA accident DA Minnesota Highway Patrolman came to DA scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her'. 'After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her righ t 'tween DA eyes. Then the Patrolman came across DA road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'How are you feeling?'' 'Now vat vould YOU say?'

[Rogerdodger]

For the "CAT MAN": MSS "The Veterinarian" One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week! The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by cu riosity, approached her. 'Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,' he stated. 'Why yes,' she replied, 'every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church.' The pastor replied, 'That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much d oes he send you?' The elderly woman answered, '$10,000 a week.' The pastor was amazed. 'Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?' 'He is a veterinarian,' she answered. 'That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money,' the pastor said. 'Where does he practice?' The woman answered proudly, 'In Nevada. He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno.'

[mss]

For the "CAT MAN": MSS