194 replies to this topic

[mss]

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'Potentially' and 'Realistically'?" The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that." So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!" The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would sleep with h im in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?" The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?" The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?" The boy replied: "Yes. 'Potentially,' you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but realistically,' we're living with two hookers and a future congressman!

[esther231]

lol Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

[esther231]

The Lawyer and the Farmer

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee . He shot and
dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over th e fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his
tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now
I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the
United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and
take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements w ith the 'Three
Kick Rule.'"

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to
go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so
on back and forth u ntil someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that
he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the
attorney.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the
lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees..

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from
his mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end,
sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.

Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart.
Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said , "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck

[mss]

A man was walking home alone late one foggy night,

when behind him he hears:




BUMP...




BUMP...




BUMP...



Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the
middle of the street toward him.

BUMP...




BUMP..




BUMP..

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him

FASTER...



FASTER...



BUMP...




BUMP...





BUMP...




He runs up to his door, fumbles with
his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams
and locks the door behind him.




However, the casket crashes through his
door, with the lid of the casket clapping...


clappity-BUMP...




clappity-BUMP..




clappity-BUMP..






on his heels, the terrified man runs.






Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in.
His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is
coming in sobbing gasps.







With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.







Bumping and clapping toward him.






The man screams and reaches for something, anything,





but all he can find is a bottle of Robitussin!





Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket..







and,









(hopefully you're ready for
this!!!)










The coffin
stops!

[Rogerdodger]

LOL! BOOOOO!

Here's why men don't write advice columns:

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I had not gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home, I could not believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he could not find his own underwear. However, when I asked him about the make up, he broke down and admitted that he had been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.

He was laid off from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum, he has become increasingly distant. I do not feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely, Norma

********************
Dear Norma;

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of engine faults. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum tubes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.

Walter

Edited by Rogerdodger, 31 October 2007 - 09:35 PM.

[mss]

A cabbie picks up a nun ... She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you." She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!" "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?" "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Protestant." The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

[esther231]

No joke. Just dying to see if it worked changing my avatar.



MSS - there are some really great animated cat avatars are this site - made me think of you. http://www.avatarsdb.com/animated/

ROFL!!!

It worked. Unbelievable

Edited by esther231, 03 November 2007 - 10:18 AM.

[esther231]

Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations 10.10.95: Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision. Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. Canadians: No, I say again divert YOUR course. Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW. Canadians: This is a little lighthouse. Your call.

[Rogerdodger]

You of my favorites, best told with a Yiddish accent, especially the last line:

Willy, a very rich man, prayed this dying prayer, "Lord, for years I have labored to acquire all these riches. Surely you will allow me to take at least some of them with me."

God responded, "I will honor your final request, but you are limited to one case."

Willy arrived at the so-called pearly gates, carrying one suitcase.

"The Lord gave me permission to bring one suitcase," he explained to St. Peter.

"All right," St. Peter responded reluctantly, " but you will have to show me what’s in it."

Willy opened the case, filled with gold bricks.

St. Peter took one look and said, "What? You brought pavement?"

[mss]

Fairy Tale: One day, long, long ago, there was this woman who, surprisingly, did not whine, nag and b*tch........ But this was a long time ago..... and it was just ONE day. The End