194 replies to this topic

[stocks]

Dan Quayle is VP and rumors are flying that he is having an affair with a female lobbyist. Reporter: Mrs. Quayle, any truth to the rumor your husband is having an affair? Marilyn Quayle: Oh no. Anyone who knows Dan Quayle knows that he would rather play golf than have sex! Bill and Hillary pull into a gas station and Hillary recognizes the attendant as her high school sweetheart. Bill: If you had married him you would be working in a gas station. Hillary: If I had married him, he would be president, not you!

Edited by stocks, 29 November 2007 - 01:37 PM.

[stocks]

SCIENTISTS DISCOVER NEW ELEMENT

> Associated Press September 01, 2005
>
> A major research institution has just announced the
> discovery of the heaviest element yet known to
> science. The new element has been named
> "Governmentium".
>
> Governmentium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons,
> 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons,
> giving it an atomic mass of 311.
>
> These 311 particles are held together by forces called
> morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of
> lepton-like particles called peons.
>
> Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert.
>
> However, it can be detected, as it impedes every
> reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute
> amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take
> over 4 days to complete, when it would normally take
> less than a second.
>
> Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it
> does not decay, but, instead undergoes a
> reorganization in which a portion of the assistant
> neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
>
> In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase
> over time, since each reorganization will cause more
> morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
>
> This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some
> scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed
> whenever morons reach a certain quantity in
> concentration.
>
> This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical
> Morass". When catalyzed with money Governmentium
> becomes Administratium, an element which radiates just
> as much energy, since it has 1/2 as many peons but
> twice as many morons.


http://forum.physorg...pic=2378&st=285

[mss]

A blonde is walking past a big, open field when she sees another blond in the middle of it in a row boat. Disgusted, the blonde on ‘land’ yells at the blonde at ‘sea.’ ”You know, it's blonde’s like you that start the blonde jokes! If I could swim, I would swim out there and beat you up!" ============================================================================== There are three blondes washed up on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish. The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into a brown haired woman and she swims off the island. The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly she is turned into a ravishing redhead. The redhead builds a boat and sails off the island. The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.

[mss]

A retired Italian wine maker went to the village church to make his confession for the first time in many decades. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. I hid her in my attic." The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! You have no need to confess it." "It's worse than that, Father," he continued. "She quickly started to repay me with sexual favors." "People in wartime sometimes act in ways they wouldn't under normal conditions. If you are truly sorry for your actions, you are forgiven." "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. May I ask a question?" "What, my son?" "She is pretty old now, should I tell her the war is over?" =============================================================== Wal Mart has everything One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor.' 'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies. 'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor.' So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: 'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.' That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wif! e and d aughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries ba ck to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9) 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7) 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better! Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

[mss]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even, nothing too strenuous, simply "In on the Ding and Out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

[esther231]

Hanging with Blondes There were nine blondes and a brunette hanging off a rope 100 stories high. They had decided that one of them had to get off. They argued and argued and finally the brunette said ''I'll go.'' The brunette made a touching speech and all the blondes clapped.

Edited by esther231, 04 December 2007 - 09:39 PM.

[mss]

THE LONELY BRAIN CELL


Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head.

She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet. " Hello?" she cried, but no answer.

"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no a nswer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared because there were no brain cells around, and she yelled at the top of her voice,

"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away............








"We're down here."

[esther231]

lol

[mss]

WHY WE LOVE CHILDREN A Kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the car was dead, she asked him. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move, answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know" explained the boy, "I leaned over and went "Pssst!" and it didn't move." One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part where Chicken Little warns the farmer. She read, "...and Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said "The sky is falling!" The teacher then asked the class, "And what do you think the farmer said?" one little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said "Holy Sh^t! A talking chicken!" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, eating a snack cake, while her dad gets his hair cut. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs, too". An exasperated mother whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, How do you expect to get into Heaven? The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, "For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!" One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said, "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice, "The big sissy!' It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a b*tch to iron". When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room as I was preparing to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know, she replied, "but what's growing in your butt?"

[mss]

The "Best Lawyer Story of All Time"... The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?" The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?Embarrassed, the United Way Rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that." Secondly,"says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife an d six children." The stricken United Way Rep begins to stammer an apology..... "Thirdly,did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring a huge array of private tutors?" The humiliated United Way Rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea." And the lawyer says, "So...if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"