194 replies to this topic

[esther231]

ROFL

[mss]

Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The analysis shows that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects: 1) Argued over nothing. 2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong. 3) Gained weight. 4) Talked excessively without making sense. 5) Became overly emotional. 6) Actually wanted to go to WalMart. 7) Couldn't drive. 8) Failed to think rationally 9) Had to sit down while urinating.

[esther231]

How to Impress a Woman
Wine her, Dine her, Call her, Hug her,
Hold her, Surprise her, Compliment her,
Smile at her, Laugh with her,
Cry with her, Cuddle with her,
Shop with her, Give her jewelry,
Buy her flowers, Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go to the end of the earth and back for her.

How to Impress a Man
Show up naked.
Bring beer.

Edited by esther231, 08 December 2007 - 05:18 PM.

[mss]

DAD AT THE MALL. I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We Decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a Teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all Different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at Him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the Matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?' Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke On his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he Did not bat an eye in his response, 'Got drunk once and had sex with a Peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'

[mss]

[maineman]

All in good fun... hope this doesn't offend anyone... mm





The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read:



PASTOR'S @ss OUT FRONT

<h1 style="margin-bottom: 24pt;">
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.</h1> The next day, the local paper headline read:




BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S @ss

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get
rid of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline
the next day:



NUN HAS BEST @ss IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so
She sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:



NUN SELLS @ss FOR $10



This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back
the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read:


NUN ANNOUNCES HER @ss IS WILD AND FREE



The bishop was buried the next day.

[esther231]

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when an attractive blonde neighbor came out of her house and went straight to her mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in her house. A little later, she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, opened it and slammed it shut again. Angered, she again stormed back in her house. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out yet again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it, and then slammed it shut harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions, the man asked, "Is something wrong?" "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying "You've Got Mail."

[mss]

THE 6 BEST SMART @SS ANSWERS OF 2007 #6 It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. "What are my choices?" John asked. "Yes or no," she replied. #5 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub." #4 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead." #3 The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. #2 A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas." #1 A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-@ss guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

[esther231]

[mss]

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'Thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door. Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The professor is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber opens his shop; there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as "How to Improve Your Business" and "Becoming More Successful." "Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut. And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the members of our Congress. ================================================================================ ============ Social Security After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants... you might have gotten disability, too.'